The Man Ordered Just for Himself
They used to say my late father was selfish. They whispered about how, in the middle of a frantic afternoon when the rest of us were sweating and buried under the chaos of the Chinatown stalls, he would quietly order a cup of coffee and a plate of kaya toast just for himself. He would sit there and eat it right at the stall, entirely undisturbed by the rush around him.
They pointed out how he ruthlessly protected his own basic needs: ensuring he never went hungry, making sure he got enough rest, and always slipping away for his afternoon nap. Even when people acknowledged his hard work, his excellent customer service, or his endless volunteering for the hawkers' self-help group and the Seventh Month auctions, the cynics dismissed it. They said it was all ultimately for his own profit, his own status, or his own agenda.
For decades, we looked at his self-preservation through the lens of judgment. But today, in May 2026, a deeper wisdom has found me.
I finally realize that what my father practiced was entirely in line with what Confucius taught: 君子不器 (Jūn zǐ bù qì)—the concept that a noble person is not a mere instrument or a tool to be completely used up and discarded. A noble man must first cultivate his own well-being.
My father understood a truth that modern society desperately lacks: any good we wish to harvest on the outside must first be seeded within ourselves. He used to say, "When I take care of my own body, I can contribute more, and thus everyone benefits." Back then, we dismissed his words as a convenient justification for his selfishness. We wanted him to burn himself out for us. But he refused to be an empty vessel. He knew that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
This is the exact intersection where my father’s life meets the core of Love Intelligence.
LQ teaches us three pillars: Care, Courage, and Connection. True Care does not begin with martyrdom; it begins with the self. When you have the capacity to deeply Care for your own physical and emotional boundaries first, you unlock the authentic Courage to do more for the world. And it is that sustainable, healthy overflow of Care and Courage that ultimately allows you to Connect on a profound, lasting level with society.
I see this truth unfolding even in my own reflection. Over the past week, I have sat at my desk and written nine deeply personal articles honoring my late father. When I published the 1st article, I openly admitted my motive was entirely "selfish": I wanted to ease my own regrets and put things right in my own heart.
Yet, an incredible thing happened as the words kept pouring out. By digging into my own selfish pain, I accidentally began speaking out for all the forgotten Dads, the invisible pillars, and the unappreciated souls across the world. Someone recently commented that this series is performing a great healing service for society.
It is a beautiful irony: a project that has touched the hearts of many began with a strictly selfish motive.
So perhaps it is time we redefine the word. If taking care of your soul allows you to anchor a family, if protecting your peace allows you to serve a community, and if healing your own regrets allows you to comfort the world, then start being selfish.
Love Intelligence Reflection：
High Love Intelligence (LQ) challenges us to stop demanding that the people we love burn themselves to ashes just to keep us warm. My father’s afternoon coffee and kaya toast wasn't an act of cruelty toward us; it was his quiet way of surviving the heavy burdens he carried for us in the dark.
This Father's Day, let us practice the ultimate LQ: extend the grace of self-care to your parents, and give it to yourself. Stop judging the boundaries of others, and recognize that a person who knows how to honor their own life is the only one who truly possesses the strength to sustain yours.
This is the ninth in a series of articles dedicated to honoring my late father and applying the principles of Love Intelligence to the relationships that matter most.
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